So far, so good

What for should I ask more

Friday, June 22, 2007

Four years, eight months, sixteen days, eight hours


Well, I’ve got to hand it to SMS for making the world smaller and for being the conduit of late-breaking news. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. It's been a while since I've awoken to such joyous announcement.

I am happy for you. Really. Aside from you two, I am arguably the next happiest person for you. I am not HAPPY per se; that’s a different matter altogether. But if you ask me if I am happy for you- yes I am. New beginnings always excite me.

Do you remember ours?

Yeah- what great changes a decade brings. I can still remember Biology class, where I would be stealing glances at you, half of me hoping you wouldn’t notice, while 90% of me begged God to make you look my way. I guess the more than year-long courtship where in I must have sent a hundred or so love letters convinced you enough that I was with the sincerest of intentions. Ironically, a similar group of love letters would signal the demise of our relationship.

Above everything else, you were- are- one of my best friends. I remember our hours-long conversations about anything and everything- family problems, worries in school, minor and not-so-minor love skirmishes. I had my own friends, you had yours. But at the end of the day, we had each other. I would like to believe that over and above being boyfriend-and-girlfriend, we were the best of friends. I would like to believe that that made it easy for us to have that “reunion” lunch a year or so after we broke up. Whenever people ask me how we are, I proudly say we “communicate regularly” and things are always “as if we just talked yesterday.” I know I will always have a home with you. Rest assured you are always welcome in mine.

Distance did take a toll on us, didn’t it? You were just a bus ride away but I drifted away- way out into an ocean that is bigger and wider and deeper than the two of us could ever swim in or fathom. Out of your sight, I assumed the role of a released convict sans the sentence and the shackles. Being distant from you physically, emotionally, and psychologically freed me. However, gaining my so-called freedom ironically sealed my fate- casting me into what is brewing to be a life best lived alone.

You were not supposed to know of my indiscretions. I was shielding you from the pain of my lapses of judgment. God knows how many times I have wrestled with my vile internal fiends, struggling to exorcise the last stumbling block from rekindling what was once our promising love relationship. God knows how many times I’ve gone to confession, purged my life of any remnants of unworthiness so that before Him and before you I will be fit to be part of your life so we can begin to build our life together. But I drew an unlucky hand. I failed you. The house of cards fell and with it any chance for you and I.

Our relationship of four years, eight months, sixteen days, eight hours just had to come to an end.

After that I constantly prayed to God for just two things: that He will grant you the happiness that will surpass by a million million billion-fold the pain that I have caused you and that you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

It was the second prayer that He granted first. If somebody did to me what I did to you, I would have hacked that somebody into pieces so tiny that person would have been good as cremated already. But thank God you aren’t me. You are so much better than me. I am torn to pieces, indeed, not by your vindictiveness but by your graciousness and magnanimity. I know you often reprimand me for still apologizing despite bestowing your forgiveness on me; I just can’t believe that a person with such a kind and loving heart truly exists.

That’s why I was getting a bit anxious when my first prayer wasn’t getting answered.

And now, I believe God did answer my prayers when He answered yours. I’m sure this one that God gave you- He’s not pitching you a curved ball anymore. I pray that he truly be the real deal. He’s a kind soul, I can tell. And the way you talk about him, I just feel it’s going to be great. The best even. I’m rooting for you both! Worth the wait, he is.

That’s why you will never get to read this. You will never know that you will always be loved. You will never know that there isn’t a day that passes by that you aren't missed. You will never know that each and every relationship I’ve had or attempted to have after ours is measured against the standard you’ve unwittingly set. You will never know how much I pray for you. You will never know that I pray my damnest for you to the point that sometimes I forget to pray for my family or for myself. You will never get to know any of these.

You do not have to know. What good will knowing these trivial matters bring to your life? It is not as if there are still embers of our past in your heart that are still worth stoking into a conflagration- are there?

No. I’ve caused enough misery and ruin into your life. You now have a new man to make new memories with. I feel you are happy now, happier even. That is all that matters.

Yours truly,

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